I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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