I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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