I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
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I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
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I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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