I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
