I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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