tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
