The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.