everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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