Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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