Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
