you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
