Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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