You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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