Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
