I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
