Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
