I'm eating all of the evidence.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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