apparently the secret to your success is patron
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
