just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
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Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
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Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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