4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
