Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
