2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think my fart just growled at me.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
