Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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