i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
