We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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