Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
