How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
