Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Randomize
