Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
