All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Drunk is not a location!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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