He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
