The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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