I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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