Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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