my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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