I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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