I look better un-naked...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize