apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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