just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
