guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
