Michael Bay diarrhea
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
