I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
last night I used snow as a chaser
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
