Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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