two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
