Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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