ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"