Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.