I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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