Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
