i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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