I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
