So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
