I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i believe in u and ur pee
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
