Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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